Wasabi

WHO: your noodle lovin' self.
WHAT: Wasabi, your friendly neighborhood Japanese noodle/sushi/teriyaki spot
WHEN: Afternoons, grab some sushi 'to go' and head to McCarren Park. Or stay in with some Netflix and order Wasabi delivery (only a $10 minimum!)
WHERE: 638 Manhattan Avenue. (where Bedford meets Manhattan Ave). Greenpoint. But I don't know if I would ever dine in at this place. Its a little grimy in there. 'To go' or delivery is the best bet.
WHY: Because sometimes, you need a huge cheap pile of noodles.

HINT: Get the tempura appetizer plate ($6.25). Those fried veggies instantly cured my hangover. They definitely know how to do their hot stuff here: tempura, Yaki Udon noodles ($9.50), and Soyu Ramen ($8.00) were all perfect. My little avocado sushi roll ($3.25) was nothing to write home about, and I've heard rumors that their sushi is sorta sub-par. So, avoid the sushi here, but GET YOUR NOODLES ON!

I give it:

/ 10

FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Ordering Delivery Food Online

WHO: your lazy ass self
WHAT: ordering food online. i.e.: GrubHub.com, Seamless.com, Delivery.com
WHEN: whenever, but especially necessary while laying in your bed after being sent home from work because you look like a pile of poo. AKA hungover.
WHERE: the INTERWEBZ
WHY: It was one of those days where I had the monster hangover of all hangovers. I decided that I needed NOODLES and I needed them now. The interwebz are a thing of glory. Entire menus online, with descriptions of delicious noodle-y items (and other types of cuisine), the ability to pay ahead of time with a credit card, and, the option to post your entire delivery order to Facebook to show your friends how much food you are about to shove into your pie hole. I declined to share this information.

HINT: The only downside is that you don't get an estimate on your delivery time. On the upside, you can sort your search results by 'Top Rated' (important, so you don't accidentally order from one of those greasy little Chinese restaurants that is named Chinese Restaurant.) and 'Open Now' (very important).

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Tomcats Barbershop

WHO: your hairy self
WHAT: Tomcats Barbershop! Part hipster hangout, part badass hair-cuttin' dude den. THEY GIVE YOU A BEER WHILE YOU WAIT. Really!
WHEN: 11am - 9pm most days. 1pm is a good time for a haircut.
WHERE: 135 India Street. India & Manhattan. Greenpoint.
WHY: Because you realize that your hair is so gross and overgrown that you have started coming up with various methods of hiding aforementioned folicles. Like 'turbans'. Also, you haven't bought shampoo in five months because 'what's the point?' You might consider dunking your head in the water at Rockaway Beach both a washing and a styling. In fact, the last time you can recall someone coming at your head with styling scissors was in a hotel room in Portland and there was a lot of vodka and gay men involved.

HINT: You should make an appointment, even though they don't tell you that on the website. And if you are a lady, like me (Don't laugh!), make sure to find out when the hair-cuttin' dudes who cut ladies' hair are working. Mark did my hair it is AWESOME.

I give it:
/ 10
SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

The Meatball Shop

WHO: your meaty little self.
WHAT: meatballs. and lots of 'em.
WHEN: late night. till 4 am on weekends!
WHERE: 170 Bedford Ave
WHY: 'Cause, sometimes late at night, you just want a pile of balls. They got beef balls, pork ones, even huge round veggie guys. You can get them on a mound of noodles or on a sandwich. So many options. I love balls.

HINT: Ask about the special 'ball' of the day. Also they serve beer by the half glass. Which, let's be honest, might be all you really need by the time you stumble to the Meatball Shop at 3:27am.

I give it:
/ 10
SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

My POS phone

DISCLAIMER: I will be using a lot of parenthetical side notes in this post. Get ready for some ranting.

WHO: my technologically dependent self
WHAT: my piece of scrap 'Android' phone. Something called a 'HTC Eris.' Alternate spellings: possibly 'Aris.' Or 'Aeryz.' I don't know.
WHEN: Currently. Oh, no, I don't mean that I'm using this cellular device at this very second to do anything as high tech as accessing the internet. No, because the battery died four hours ago. No, don't worry, it lasted for an entire three hours and forty-eight minutes. And that was after I charged it twice today. And after I waited three weeks for it to come in the mail. And after I ordered an entirely different phone and paid hundreds of dollars for it.
WHERE: Sears.com is not the place to buy phones.
WHY: Because I thought an android phone would mean that I could do things such as use Google maps (the screen is too small to really navigate), check my e-mail (the e-mail program is buggy and refuses to let me scroll down to read my entire message), surf the web (somehow I never have any service bars and the 3G is really slow), or even have the luxury of updating my status on Facebook (forget using the Facebook app, it crashes every time I open it). But no. I am limited to calling people (but don't worry, there is no such thing as a button for 'contacts,' instead you must search your entire phone and tear your hair out just trying to figure out how to call someone) and texting them (yesterday my 'text messaging program froze unexpectedly' and refused to open up again). And once and a while, you might have an app or a game that you downloaded actually work. But don't get your hopes up.

HINT: THROW THIS DEVICE OFF THE HIGHEST BUILDING YOU CAN FIND.

I give it:
 / 10

NEGATIVE FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Kasia's

WHO: your pierogi-lovin' self.
WHAT: Kasia's restaurant/cafe/80's-looking Polish diner.
WHEN: morning. afternoon. They seem to close around 4 or 5 every day, but I'm never sure.
WHERE: 146 Bedford Ave. Williamsburg.
WHY: Because you're sick of all the stupid, hipster boutique brunch spots that offer half an organic duck egg poached inside of an organic heirloom tomato with a strip of dried organic seaweed and a tiny drop of spicy-minty-chocolate sauce drizzled over an organic orange peel that is probably at some point on fire. For $28. Instead, grab a huge plate of pierogis for $7. Or a huge, meaty, non-organic breakfast for like $5. Ask about the soup of the day, its always something delicious. And the sandwiches... don't get me started. Anyways: Take your American Apparel hoodie and your vegan shoes to Kasia's and prepare to not be able to zip up your skinny jeans when you leave.

HINT: Kasia's now has a juicer. A JUICER. Tomato-carrot-kale juice is the new black, kids.

I give it:
/ 10
EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

South Brooklyn Pizza

(photo credit: http://shelleykarikari.blogspot.com/)

WHO: your drunk, LES-exploring self
WHAT: delicious, delicious pizza. And creepy, awesome staff.
WHEN: 2am, when you are 'taking a breather' from drinking at one of the grimier bars on the lower east side.
WHERE: 122 1st ave. between 7th & 8th st on 1st ave. L.E.S.
WHY: Because you're hungry. And this place suddenly appeared like a goddamn Narnia in the wardrobe of your drunk, hazy vision. And you have been looking for a place where you can walk in and hear psychedelic synth music coming out of a broken black and white TV and listen to a man who absolutely cannot be real ask you a riddle. Actually, yes.

HINT: Explore the condiments sitting on the counter. One of the little white pots contains the most delicious garlic paste that you need to smear all over your pizza.

I give it:
/ 10
EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES