Pieces Bar

WHO: your gay lovin' little self.
WHAT: Drag queens. Porn nights. Bingo nights. Karaoke. Drag queen porn bingo nights with a high chance of karaoke. Lots o' gay stuff. And booze.
WHEN:  Pretty much any time you're feeling too straight. Happy hour starts at 2 pm during weekdays and Sunday they feature an all-day 'liquid brunch,' which means you can down Bloody Marys and mimosas for three bucks a pop.
WHERE: Christopher Street and GAY STREET in the Village. Yep.
WHY: Because sometimes, even though you are a painfully nerdy straight girl with glasses, who is mostly terrified of talking to men, and whose most recent footwear purchase was a pair of ORTHOPEDIC SHOES (true story), and whose idea of a fashionable outfit is some leggings that don't have a whole in the crotch and possibly a large sweatshirt with a horse and/or a cat on it; well, sometimes, you just want to go someplace sparkly and full of half naked men and drag queens and get your mother-effing FAG HAG on.

HINT: Bingo on Sunday night, hosted by the amazing drag queen Vodka Stinger, who will encourage you to down those $3 Bloody Marys and play bingo till the wee hours, whereupon suddenly you find yourself at 4am, wasted, in a gaggle of gay boys, talking about your cat. True story.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Vanessa's Dumpling House

WHO: your cheap, dumpling lovin' self.
WHAT: Dumplings. So, so many dumplings. Also noodle-y things.
WHEN: Late night dinner with friends. They're open till 11. Effing dumpling miracle.
WHERE: The original is in Chinatown (duh) and is awesomely dingy. Apparently there is one in the East Village as well, but I can never seem to find it. The newest addition to the Vanessa's family is situated in Williamsburg (310 Bedford Ave), and is shockingly clean and comfortable.
WHY: Two words. Cheap. Dumplings. Seriously, you can get a pile of pork and cabbage dumplings (fried or boiled, but get 'em fried) for less than two bucks. Moving on, grab an insanely delicious scallion pancake sandwich (CHINESE SAMMIE!!!) with your choice of meat or veggie action for $3. If you're feeling sick, dive into an amazing bowl of the spicy pork noodle soup for $4. They have bottles of Sriracha sitting on every table, so load up your noodles with the cock sauce and get ready to blow your cold out of the water.

HINT: They have a couple beers on draft at the new location! Hite beer on draft is only two bucks! DUMPLING AND BEER MIRACLE.

I give it:

/ 10

NINE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Johnny's Bar

WHO: your divey little self.
WHAT: Johnny's Bar. You can find it because there's a huge neon sign outside that says 'BAR.'
WHEN: open sixteen hours a day, every day. ANYTIME O CLOCK IS A GOOD TIME TO DRINK.
WHERE: heart of Greenwich village. 90 Greenwich Ave
WHY: Because, sometimes you want to sit in a dark corner in the middle of the day, drink (several) strong beverages in row and get a little bit existential. Maybe you have a ratty paperback of an Allen Ginsberg book of poems or even (amateur) that copy of 'On the Road' that your old hippie boss gave to you as a gift six years ago. Who knows. In any case, this is a classic Village joint in which to drown your sorrows for cheap and live a little bit of Greenwich Village history.

HINT: There is always a 'Cheap Shot of the Day' for $3.50, but watch out. It's all fun and games until someone goes all 'Burroughs' on you.

I give it:
 / 10
FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES