My POS phone

DISCLAIMER: I will be using a lot of parenthetical side notes in this post. Get ready for some ranting.

WHO: my technologically dependent self
WHAT: my piece of scrap 'Android' phone. Something called a 'HTC Eris.' Alternate spellings: possibly 'Aris.' Or 'Aeryz.' I don't know.
WHEN: Currently. Oh, no, I don't mean that I'm using this cellular device at this very second to do anything as high tech as accessing the internet. No, because the battery died four hours ago. No, don't worry, it lasted for an entire three hours and forty-eight minutes. And that was after I charged it twice today. And after I waited three weeks for it to come in the mail. And after I ordered an entirely different phone and paid hundreds of dollars for it.
WHERE: Sears.com is not the place to buy phones.
WHY: Because I thought an android phone would mean that I could do things such as use Google maps (the screen is too small to really navigate), check my e-mail (the e-mail program is buggy and refuses to let me scroll down to read my entire message), surf the web (somehow I never have any service bars and the 3G is really slow), or even have the luxury of updating my status on Facebook (forget using the Facebook app, it crashes every time I open it). But no. I am limited to calling people (but don't worry, there is no such thing as a button for 'contacts,' instead you must search your entire phone and tear your hair out just trying to figure out how to call someone) and texting them (yesterday my 'text messaging program froze unexpectedly' and refused to open up again). And once and a while, you might have an app or a game that you downloaded actually work. But don't get your hopes up.

HINT: THROW THIS DEVICE OFF THE HIGHEST BUILDING YOU CAN FIND.

I give it:
 / 10

NEGATIVE FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Kasia's

WHO: your pierogi-lovin' self.
WHAT: Kasia's restaurant/cafe/80's-looking Polish diner.
WHEN: morning. afternoon. They seem to close around 4 or 5 every day, but I'm never sure.
WHERE: 146 Bedford Ave. Williamsburg.
WHY: Because you're sick of all the stupid, hipster boutique brunch spots that offer half an organic duck egg poached inside of an organic heirloom tomato with a strip of dried organic seaweed and a tiny drop of spicy-minty-chocolate sauce drizzled over an organic orange peel that is probably at some point on fire. For $28. Instead, grab a huge plate of pierogis for $7. Or a huge, meaty, non-organic breakfast for like $5. Ask about the soup of the day, its always something delicious. And the sandwiches... don't get me started. Anyways: Take your American Apparel hoodie and your vegan shoes to Kasia's and prepare to not be able to zip up your skinny jeans when you leave.

HINT: Kasia's now has a juicer. A JUICER. Tomato-carrot-kale juice is the new black, kids.

I give it:
/ 10
EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

South Brooklyn Pizza

(photo credit: http://shelleykarikari.blogspot.com/)

WHO: your drunk, LES-exploring self
WHAT: delicious, delicious pizza. And creepy, awesome staff.
WHEN: 2am, when you are 'taking a breather' from drinking at one of the grimier bars on the lower east side.
WHERE: 122 1st ave. between 7th & 8th st on 1st ave. L.E.S.
WHY: Because you're hungry. And this place suddenly appeared like a goddamn Narnia in the wardrobe of your drunk, hazy vision. And you have been looking for a place where you can walk in and hear psychedelic synth music coming out of a broken black and white TV and listen to a man who absolutely cannot be real ask you a riddle. Actually, yes.

HINT: Explore the condiments sitting on the counter. One of the little white pots contains the most delicious garlic paste that you need to smear all over your pizza.

I give it:
/ 10
EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Ashbox Cafe

WHO: your harmonious, herbal-tea-and-tiny-sandwich lovin' self
WHAT: Ashbox Cafe
WHEN: mid-morning to early afternoon. Ashbox closes around 6pm.
WHERE: 1154 Manhattan Ave, between Ash St. and Box St. (hence the name) Greenpoint.
WHY: Delicious, cheap sandwiches and decent coffee and tea. The best part is the atmosphere. Quiet, soothing 'world music,' thoughtful little signs helping you figure out what to order, and even pitchers of water filled with mint and cucumber for a refreshing hydration experience.

HINT: There are no plugins or WiFi, so don't come here to camp out on your laptop. Instead, grab a book and order the smoked salmon sandwich on ciabatta and a little pot of tea. Also, I love that all the little old Japanese ladies who work here are trying to bring back the 'Blossom' style hats. It's a really good look.

I give it:



/ 10
SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Murray's Bagels

WHO: your bagel-cravin' self
WHAT: apparently the best bagels in manhattan
WHEN: early. AKA before 2pm.
WHERE: 500 Avenue of the Americas. (13th & 6th Ave)
WHY: Sometimes, you realize that you actually live in the bagel capitol of the world. And you wonder when you've actually had a good bagel that wasn't from Bagelsmith (NOT HATIN'). And you decide to be two hours late for work just to seek out the best damn bagel in town. And you pretty much succeed.

HINT: Try the Lox spread on any bagel, but not the salt bagel. Too much salty on salty. The lentil soup is a shocking surprise, delicious and insanely filling ($4.50 and it comes with a free bagel, just DON'T GET THE SALT BAGEL!). I want to try more bagel combos, but keep in mind that they "don't do toasted bagels here." All in all, great feeling of satisfaction when your teeth sink into a delicious bagel bite (AGAIN, AVOID THE SALT BAGEL)

I give it:
/ 10
SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Black Tights

WHO: your hipster self
WHAT: opaque black tights a la edie sedgwick.
WHEN: now, fall, winter, anytime.
WHERE: on your body, under a short dress, under corduroy shorts, under tall boots, under ballet flats, etc.
WHY: 'cause its pretty much fall, and i'm pretty much sick of shaving my legs. Plus, black tights cover mosquito bite scars, jiggly thighs, weird knees, aforementioned hairs and anything else you want to hide.

HINT: UNIQLO!!!!!!!!! They have the best tights, and they last forever.

I give it:
/ 10
SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Cafe Gitane

WHO: your fancy self
WHAT: cutesy little french cafe / pâtisserie with a small, but amazing wine and aperitif list.
WHEN: weekday afternoons and or evenings till midnight.
WHERE: 242 Mott St. Nolita.
WHY: Sometimes, you just want to put on too much eyeliner and go read Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" and have a bunch of hot waitresses in matching mint green dresses serve you tiny glasses of Sauvignon Blanc while you eat apple slices and brie at a painfully slow rate.

HINT: Get the apples and brie. Six bucks for way too much cheese. Plus they serve you warm slices of focaccia bread and some strawberries to boot.

I give it:
/ 10
EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES