MILWAUKEE EDITION: Northern Chocolate Company

WHO: your secret chocolate loving self
WHAT: Northern Chocolate Company, aka 'The Chocolate Nazi.'
WHEN: opens at noon most days, mid afternoon is usually the best time. Ring the bell before entering. Then remove your shoes. Not even joking.
WHERE: 2036 N Dr Martin Luther King Dr. Just south of North Ave, sort of west of the east side. (Still not even joking.)
WHY: Because its chocolate, but not just any chocolate. Its like secret chocolate, and its like this totally mind-boggling mind game to even get to the chocolate. First of all, you have to find the shop, which, as I pointed out above, is a puzzle in itself. Then you have the front door. Ring the bell, wait. Perhaps the proprietor will come, maybe he won't. He might peek out the curtains and decide that you are too young or too old or maybe your shoes are too brightly colored for his liking or perhaps your hat is just stupid looking. Anyways, if he opens the door, it becomes like this bizarre Japanese tea ceremony. You pause, make a motion of removing your shoes, and he will bark at you to remove your shoes. You step inside and he will let you know that you cannot touch the chocolate, smell it, stand too close to it or breathe on it. He will be engaged with a trio of husky tourists from Montana or a sweaty business man or a young couple decked out in UWM wear who look absolutely terrified and clearly want to leave the shop but he is blocking the door. And then it is your turn. A word of caution: NEVER step up to the counter until he invites you up. Don't hold the chocolate in your clammy, nervous hands. Just politely mill about the shop until his Chocolate Highness summons you to the register.

HINT: Once you are in the presence the man who has been nicknamed the 'Chocolate Nazi,' you will realize why you came here. He knows his stuff, loves his trade (and his cats, DO ask about his cats), and has a wealth of interesting knowledge from his many travels. You might end up spending a good hour or two chatting with him and he might even through a few extra chocolates in your bag and high five you as you're leaving the shop.

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*photo courtesy of JSOnline.com.

CHICAGO EDITION: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake

WHO: Your inner Midwestern
WHAT: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake
WHEN: 5am-6pm. Early morning, after a rough red-eye flight, or afternoon after a rough hangover.
WHERE: 2294 North Milwaukee Ave. Logan Square, Chicago, IL
WHY: Because you live in WHITELANDIA, home of boutique bistros with names like "SPOON" or "VASE" and the heartiest dish you can order is usually something involving a dainty square of sauteed tofu or half a quail egg cracked onto a sprig of watercress. And you're sick of it. So you fly to the Midwest, walk into the first diner you see and order one of EVERYTHING. Buttermilk pancakes (yes, there are more than one) piled so high that you can't see over the top. Mounds of butter and syrup and ham steaks that literally bring a tear of joy to your eye. And diner coffee. Delicious, non-descript black coffee that is constantly being topped off by friendly waitresses in stained aprons. This is the Midwest.

I give it:

/ 10

SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*(photo courtesy of Cozy Corner's website)

The Three Day Weekend Guide to Seeing Everything There is To See in New York City

So, I am working on a handy little guide to all the best hole-in-the-wall, beerNshot and sammie spots in NYC and Brooklyn. It will be arranged by neighborhood/subway stops and categorized by the usual labels such as "GAYS N STUFF" and "effin kids." So, basically, it will a hot mess. I recently tested it out on a co-worker who went to New York, and she said (and I quote), "I didn't really go to any of the places on your list but I did get lost in the ghetto and feared for my life. So, thanks."

Success.

More soon.

MISSOULA EDITION: Dino Cafe

WHO: Your inner mountain man/woman
WHAT: Dinosaur Cafe, in the back of Charlie's bar in Missoula, Montana
WHEN: Any time, but late afternoon is especially nice.
WHERE: 428 North Higgins Ave, "downtown" Missoula
WHY: Because sometimes, you wake up in Missoula, Montana, covered in bruises and blood, and you wonder what in God's name happened to you. And then you remember what happened. You and your boyfriend drove all the way from Seattle to Missoula in the middle of the summer in a tiny unairconditioned pick up truck, where you met up with friends, had a few too many, rode your bikes around town wasted at three in the morning, where you crashed your bike and possibly ran over your boyfriend with your bike. And now everything hurts. And your boyfriend has tire marks all over his body for some reason. And you both need a delicious, delicious sandwich to make it all better. And that's where Dino Cafe comes in. Head to the sketchiest bar (Charlie's) in town, walk all the way to the back and experience the magical healing powers of a pile of curly fries and a BBQ pulled pork po' boy. YES.

HINT: Get it to go, head back to your friends' house, crack open a cold Big Sky Brew, eat your delicious, delicious sandwich and watch the sunset. Perfect.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*(photo courtesy of Dino Cafe's myspace page)

Holiday Hiatus

…And we are back again, after a brief hiatus that wasn't totally planned. Its been about six weeks of old college friends coming to visit and then staying for weeks on end, epic hangovers resulting from consuming too many oysters and tequila in one sitting, multiple holiday parties involving giant ice sculpture shoe luges and/or drunk co-workers going all MMA fighter on each other, family Christmas celebrations of various levels of intoxication and AIRPORTS …which promised me dozens of eating options but actually only had various forms of Chili's Express (I'm looking at you, Minneapolis/St. Paul).

So here we are, coming to you live (not quite, I wrote this post while sitting in bed eating peanut butter and then posted it a few days later while stealing Wi-Fi from the vegan metal head bar next door) once again from the rainy Pacific Northwest.

I'm going to be posting a post-holiday sack of coast-to-coast goodies, including the best of the Midwest, some Montana treats and even a little nugget from South Tukwila, Washington.

So many treasures, so little time. Let's get to it.