Pick of the Week: THE PROCATINATOR

Once a generation, a great form of art emerges that changes the way humans view life. From Carmen to Swan Lake, the David to Starry Night; every era has a masterpiece that re-writes the rules. And now, in 2012, humanity has once again transcended the the bounds of art and performance; beauty and music. With no further introduction, I give you: THE PROCATINATOR.

BEHOLD.

http://www.procatinator.com/

International Bar

WHO: your alkie little east village self
WHAT: getting yer drink on at one of the oldest dive bars in the East Village.
WHEN: I-Bar opens at 8am, ladies and gentlemen. Every day (except Sunday, where they open at noon). Leave your pride and sobriety at the door please and sit your ass down.
WHERE: First ave, between seventh and St. Mark's Place.
WHY: Because, sometimes you want a pour (a very, very heavy pour) o' something strong and a beer to chase it. Or perhaps just another shot to chase the first one. Whatever. No one's dealing shame here. Just good strong drinks, a no bullshit attitude, and a bunch of good-looin', half-drunk bartenders and their equally drunk patrons (not so much as equal on the looks) who will draw you into some sort of shouting match, dice game or a combination of the two. So take a load off, take a shot, sit down at the bar and just ignore the weird smell the is always floating about a foot above your head. It will go away (or you'll get drunk enough to forget about it).

HINT: One word: MOLLY. Your wonderful, always in good spirits (figuratively and literally), bar owner and fellow drinker. You'll see her around, running between I-Bar and its sister bar, Coal Yard. She will greet you with a shot, push a drink your way, and next thing you know its six forty-three in the morning and you're standing outside the McDonalds sharing a cigarette and wondering how long till I-Bar opens it doors again. (ANSWER: one hour and seventeen minutes)

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Shopping on Canal Street

WHO: your fake designer accessory loving' self
WHAT: Shopping on Canal Street! Chinatown couture!
WHEN: Mornings or early afternoons during the week. There's pretty much always going to be annoying tourists, but its sort of entertaining to see them getting ripped off so terribly by old Asian ladies.
WHERE: The prime shopping areas pretty much lay between Canal Street to the north, Broome street to the south, and between Centre and Bowery. Take the JMZ to Canal street and wander around.
WHY: Sometimes, you just decide that you need a massive, fake, Louis Vuitton suitcase, which can easily be supplied by one of the hundreds of quasi-legal street vendors on Canal Street. Or maybe, you get a hankering for a hobo bag with a slightly eschew designer tag reading 'PRADO' (which will fall off in a few days anyways). Besides fake designer bags, there's massive amounts of sparkly cheap jewelry, cool scarves (HAGGLE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT FOR THESE), sunglasses and cheap souvenir shit. Avoid the souvenir shit, obviously. Unless you are a tourist. Then pay highest price and LEAVE.

HINT: Make a game plan. Most of the shops have the same 20 purses, so figure out which one you want, then go into a brand new shop, look bored, wait for the vendor to start making deals, act like you want to leave, then drop a low ball on them and WALK OUT THE DOOR if they do not accept. Chances are they will chase you down and agree to your price. And now you are a Serious Canal Street Shopper. Congrats.

I give it:

/ 10

FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Pick of the Week: ADMANG.com

In Mormon law, or whatever, Mormons can 'baptize' for the dead. They basically claim non-Mormons who have been dead for years, or even centuries, and 'claim' them for their own religion. They say that these individuals never got the chance to choose the Church of Latter-day Saints while alive, so living members of this church are choosing it for them post-mortum. Weird.

So, to thank all these generous Mormons for sharing something that people didn't have a choice in, we can now give the gift of homosexuality to dead Mormons! This website lets you type in your favorite dead missionary and 'converts' them to the way of the rainbow! Also, if you can't choose between the tens of thousands of dead Latter-day Saints, the website will choose a stiff from the Mormom geneological database. Just press Convert and your Mormon will be gay parading in Heaven in no time!

--> www.alldeadmormonsarenowgay.com

The Cloisters

WHO: your ARTY SELF
WHAT: day trip up to a part of Manhattan that doesn't look like Manhattan but it is, and it also has an old monastery and WOODS and some weird looking squirrels. AKA The Cloisters.
WHEN: make a day of it! Seriously you're gonna have to get up before noon for this one.
WHERE: Waaaay up north, in the middle of something called Fort Tryon Park, which is basically 60-some acres of almost untouched woods. Take the A train all the way up and get off at 190th. Walk through the park, follow the signs up the hill to the Monastery, and there you go. URBAN VENTURE.
WHY: Because you have no idea that something this gorgeous and secluded can exist in the insanely over-crowded metropolis. Nestled at the top of the hill in Fort Tryon Park, you have an actual old Monastery/castle situation, filled with Medieval art and artifacts, including some bomb unicorn tapestries which I badly want to own someday for my own mini castle when I get rich off blogging.

HINT: The Cloisters is owned by the Metropolitan Museum of Art, so everything is a 'suggested donation.' And since I'm currently saving up my blogging moneys for things like unicorn tapestries and maybe a nice Holy Grail type goblet/pimp cup, I feel like $5 is good enough for someone like me on a budget.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES