Pick of the Week: Mystery Coke Machine

My god, the glory of it all.

This machine is like the eighth wonder of the world, standing with a slight Pisa-esque lean, covered in years of dumb tags and stolen post office stickers. Its pale glow reaches out to you in the middle of the night like a concerned friend, as you stagger home from a night of striking out completely.

And the soda. Oh, how it rolls out so very icy cold, with just the right amount of fizziness when you crack it open. AND THE VARIETY. The MCM is like a therapist and genie rolled into one. It knows exactly what soda you desire, and it grants you your very wish right there. All it take is seventy-five cents, a push of the mystery button, and a little bit of belief.

I believe in the Mystery Coke Machine. And so should you.

John Street between Broadway and 10th Avenue. I don't think the MCM actually has an address.

(By the way, I am currently sipping on a chilly Barq's Root Beer on a sunny, crisp September day. The MCM chose well.)

Remo Borracchini's

WHO: Your inner Italian
WHAT: Remo Borracchini's Grocery, Deli, Bakery and NOWCAKE.com headquarters
WHEN: morning, lunchtime. By the afternoon, all the good stuff is sold out.
WHERE: 2307 Rainier Ave. S
WHY: Because we got your meatballs and your sauce (all made in house, from scratch, and sold in huge quantities, presumably for massive Italian family dinners), we got your pasta (Italian brands, delicious, a little pricey but worth it), we got your deli meats and your cheeses (sold by the pound, sliced if you want it, or just put directly into a sandwich), and we got your cakes. What kinda cakes? You wanna see my cakes? Okay, guy, here's my cakes. We got cannoli filled with every kind of filling you could want, we got your biscotti in all flavors, we got cookies, we got tarts and we got your pies, and cakes. Lotsa cakes.

HINT: For the cheapest sandwich in town, head to the back by the deli. There will be a cooler filled with pre-made half sandwiches for $1.79 (!!!) Ask the deli guy to throw your panini in the grill for a minute. And for the love of god, please buy yourself a Banana Cream Pie ($3.99 for the whole damn pie) and eat the whole damn thing.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Than Brothers Pho

WHO: Your cheap, noodle-y, spicy little self
WHAT: Than Brothers Pho
WHEN: Hangover mornings, awkward lunch dates, solo dinners after a bad breakup
WHERE: SO many locations. The best one is on Capitol Hill (516 Broadway East)
WHY: Because cheap noodles are good. And cheap, perfectly cooked Vietnamese vermicelli noodles in a cheap delicious beefy broth done right are absolutely the best. Seriously, Pho is the like the holy grail of all things noodley. Don't be thwarted by the confusing sign on the front of Than Brothers that reads: 'Veggie-Chicken-Beef-Noodle-Soup,' or the red paper lanterns that have been covered in over fifteen years of Siracha (aka The Cock Sauce), or even the rather blasé attitude of the staff. You are not here for the decor or the service, you are here for the goddam noodles.

HINT: Order a small sized Pho and pick veggie, chicken OR beef. If you get beef, you're gonna have to sort through another round of options, including about a dozen different combinations of cuts of beef. Almost everything is good, but for the love of all things holy, avoid the tripe. Its like a pile of small squid tentacles in your mouth and it just makes me sad. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

I give it:

/ 10

NINE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

THE TREASURE HUNT IS BACK ON

…And we're back.

After a six month hiatus, your favorite New York blogger is back, and is now your favorite Seattle blogger. The East Coast was a blast but the West Coast is the best coast (Sorry, I couldn't help myself). Get ready for more news and critiques concerning the most popular, dive-y, delicious, bizarre, dance-y, drink-y and GAY venues, restaurants and bars in Seattle. Also be prepared for random posts featuring cat websites, cute photos of cats, stories about my cat doing something adorable, etc. ALSO, also sometimes I just post about things that I like. Such as Crock Pots. UNIVERSAL APPEAL.

And for those of you who do not have the privilege of living in a Pacific Northwestern utopia (aka Whitelandia) I will be frequently adding bonus posts about other cities that I have visited, and the treasures that I have found there. Eventually I would love to have a co-blogger blogging bloggy stuff from the East Coast as well, but we shall see.

NEW FEATURES: Mobile version! You can look at us on your iPhone! Or Android! WOA!

LET THE URBAN TREASURE HUNT (RE)START!

Pick of the Week: THE PROCATINATOR

Once a generation, a great form of art emerges that changes the way humans view life. From Carmen to Swan Lake, the David to Starry Night; every era has a masterpiece that re-writes the rules. And now, in 2012, humanity has once again transcended the the bounds of art and performance; beauty and music. With no further introduction, I give you: THE PROCATINATOR.

BEHOLD.

http://www.procatinator.com/

International Bar

WHO: your alkie little east village self
WHAT: getting yer drink on at one of the oldest dive bars in the East Village.
WHEN: I-Bar opens at 8am, ladies and gentlemen. Every day (except Sunday, where they open at noon). Leave your pride and sobriety at the door please and sit your ass down.
WHERE: First ave, between seventh and St. Mark's Place.
WHY: Because, sometimes you want a pour (a very, very heavy pour) o' something strong and a beer to chase it. Or perhaps just another shot to chase the first one. Whatever. No one's dealing shame here. Just good strong drinks, a no bullshit attitude, and a bunch of good-looin', half-drunk bartenders and their equally drunk patrons (not so much as equal on the looks) who will draw you into some sort of shouting match, dice game or a combination of the two. So take a load off, take a shot, sit down at the bar and just ignore the weird smell the is always floating about a foot above your head. It will go away (or you'll get drunk enough to forget about it).

HINT: One word: MOLLY. Your wonderful, always in good spirits (figuratively and literally), bar owner and fellow drinker. You'll see her around, running between I-Bar and its sister bar, Coal Yard. She will greet you with a shot, push a drink your way, and next thing you know its six forty-three in the morning and you're standing outside the McDonalds sharing a cigarette and wondering how long till I-Bar opens it doors again. (ANSWER: one hour and seventeen minutes)

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Shopping on Canal Street

WHO: your fake designer accessory loving' self
WHAT: Shopping on Canal Street! Chinatown couture!
WHEN: Mornings or early afternoons during the week. There's pretty much always going to be annoying tourists, but its sort of entertaining to see them getting ripped off so terribly by old Asian ladies.
WHERE: The prime shopping areas pretty much lay between Canal Street to the north, Broome street to the south, and between Centre and Bowery. Take the JMZ to Canal street and wander around.
WHY: Sometimes, you just decide that you need a massive, fake, Louis Vuitton suitcase, which can easily be supplied by one of the hundreds of quasi-legal street vendors on Canal Street. Or maybe, you get a hankering for a hobo bag with a slightly eschew designer tag reading 'PRADO' (which will fall off in a few days anyways). Besides fake designer bags, there's massive amounts of sparkly cheap jewelry, cool scarves (HAGGLE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT FOR THESE), sunglasses and cheap souvenir shit. Avoid the souvenir shit, obviously. Unless you are a tourist. Then pay highest price and LEAVE.

HINT: Make a game plan. Most of the shops have the same 20 purses, so figure out which one you want, then go into a brand new shop, look bored, wait for the vendor to start making deals, act like you want to leave, then drop a low ball on them and WALK OUT THE DOOR if they do not accept. Chances are they will chase you down and agree to your price. And now you are a Serious Canal Street Shopper. Congrats.

I give it:

/ 10

FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES