The Three Day Weekend Guide to Seeing Everything There is To See in New York City

So, I am working on a handy little guide to all the best hole-in-the-wall, beerNshot and sammie spots in NYC and Brooklyn. It will be arranged by neighborhood/subway stops and categorized by the usual labels such as "GAYS N STUFF" and "effin kids." So, basically, it will a hot mess. I recently tested it out on a co-worker who went to New York, and she said (and I quote), "I didn't really go to any of the places on your list but I did get lost in the ghetto and feared for my life. So, thanks."

Success.

More soon.

Shopping on Canal Street

WHO: your fake designer accessory loving' self
WHAT: Shopping on Canal Street! Chinatown couture!
WHEN: Mornings or early afternoons during the week. There's pretty much always going to be annoying tourists, but its sort of entertaining to see them getting ripped off so terribly by old Asian ladies.
WHERE: The prime shopping areas pretty much lay between Canal Street to the north, Broome street to the south, and between Centre and Bowery. Take the JMZ to Canal street and wander around.
WHY: Sometimes, you just decide that you need a massive, fake, Louis Vuitton suitcase, which can easily be supplied by one of the hundreds of quasi-legal street vendors on Canal Street. Or maybe, you get a hankering for a hobo bag with a slightly eschew designer tag reading 'PRADO' (which will fall off in a few days anyways). Besides fake designer bags, there's massive amounts of sparkly cheap jewelry, cool scarves (HAGGLE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT FOR THESE), sunglasses and cheap souvenir shit. Avoid the souvenir shit, obviously. Unless you are a tourist. Then pay highest price and LEAVE.

HINT: Make a game plan. Most of the shops have the same 20 purses, so figure out which one you want, then go into a brand new shop, look bored, wait for the vendor to start making deals, act like you want to leave, then drop a low ball on them and WALK OUT THE DOOR if they do not accept. Chances are they will chase you down and agree to your price. And now you are a Serious Canal Street Shopper. Congrats.

I give it:

/ 10

FIVE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Staten Island

WHO: your really, really, (REALLY) adventurous self
WHAT: take the freakin' Staten Island ferry ovah to Staten Island. Dummy.
WHEN: apparently there is something called 'dusk,' in which beautiful colors come out and the sky turns something other than sickly polluted grey.
WHERE: um, I'm gonna say that it's south of Manhattan, but to this day, I really am not sure about the geography of anything east of the Mississippi.
WHY: Because sometimes, you feel like you need to cross off another burrough on your bucket list. And since you already went to 'Spa Castle' in Queens (review to come... and its gonna be a weird one) and there's no way that your sorry white tush would survive a minute in the Bronx, it's off to Staten Island we go!

HINT: Ride the Staten Island Ferry. It's nice, it's free; you can legally drink on NY ferries. But once you get to actual Staten Island, I would not really leave the ferry terminal. Staten Island is disgusting; whaddya expect?!?

I give it:

/ 10

THREE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Tomcats Barbershop

WHO: your hairy self
WHAT: Tomcats Barbershop! Part hipster hangout, part badass hair-cuttin' dude den. THEY GIVE YOU A BEER WHILE YOU WAIT. Really!
WHEN: 11am - 9pm most days. 1pm is a good time for a haircut.
WHERE: 135 India Street. India & Manhattan. Greenpoint.
WHY: Because you realize that your hair is so gross and overgrown that you have started coming up with various methods of hiding aforementioned folicles. Like 'turbans'. Also, you haven't bought shampoo in five months because 'what's the point?' You might consider dunking your head in the water at Rockaway Beach both a washing and a styling. In fact, the last time you can recall someone coming at your head with styling scissors was in a hotel room in Portland and there was a lot of vodka and gay men involved.

HINT: You should make an appointment, even though they don't tell you that on the website. And if you are a lady, like me (Don't laugh!), make sure to find out when the hair-cuttin' dudes who cut ladies' hair are working. Mark did my hair it is AWESOME.

I give it:
/ 10
SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Hurricane Irene

WHO: your stupid, CNN-listening self.
WHAT: stupid "hurricane."
WHEN: August 27 - 28
WHERE: East Coast.
WHY: I dunno. Warm wind or something. I'm not a meteorologist.

HINT: Irene was a big, fat let down. We all went out and stood in some random aisle of Rite-Aid, hearts pounding, wondering if we should shove that old woman out of the way and grab the last bottle of water. And then we did. And we felt really good about it. Until Sunday morning, when we all felt like dumbasses. ALSO: What the fuck am I supposed to do with all these Craisens I bought?!

I give it:
/ 10
TWO OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES