CHICAGO EDITION: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake

WHO: Your inner Midwestern
WHAT: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake
WHEN: 5am-6pm. Early morning, after a rough red-eye flight, or afternoon after a rough hangover.
WHERE: 2294 North Milwaukee Ave. Logan Square, Chicago, IL
WHY: Because you live in WHITELANDIA, home of boutique bistros with names like "SPOON" or "VASE" and the heartiest dish you can order is usually something involving a dainty square of sauteed tofu or half a quail egg cracked onto a sprig of watercress. And you're sick of it. So you fly to the Midwest, walk into the first diner you see and order one of EVERYTHING. Buttermilk pancakes (yes, there are more than one) piled so high that you can't see over the top. Mounds of butter and syrup and ham steaks that literally bring a tear of joy to your eye. And diner coffee. Delicious, non-descript black coffee that is constantly being topped off by friendly waitresses in stained aprons. This is the Midwest.

I give it:

/ 10

SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*(photo courtesy of Cozy Corner's website)

The Three Day Weekend Guide to Seeing Everything There is To See in New York City

So, I am working on a handy little guide to all the best hole-in-the-wall, beerNshot and sammie spots in NYC and Brooklyn. It will be arranged by neighborhood/subway stops and categorized by the usual labels such as "GAYS N STUFF" and "effin kids." So, basically, it will a hot mess. I recently tested it out on a co-worker who went to New York, and she said (and I quote), "I didn't really go to any of the places on your list but I did get lost in the ghetto and feared for my life. So, thanks."

Success.

More soon.

MISSOULA EDITION: Dino Cafe

WHO: Your inner mountain man/woman
WHAT: Dinosaur Cafe, in the back of Charlie's bar in Missoula, Montana
WHEN: Any time, but late afternoon is especially nice.
WHERE: 428 North Higgins Ave, "downtown" Missoula
WHY: Because sometimes, you wake up in Missoula, Montana, covered in bruises and blood, and you wonder what in God's name happened to you. And then you remember what happened. You and your boyfriend drove all the way from Seattle to Missoula in the middle of the summer in a tiny unairconditioned pick up truck, where you met up with friends, had a few too many, rode your bikes around town wasted at three in the morning, where you crashed your bike and possibly ran over your boyfriend with your bike. And now everything hurts. And your boyfriend has tire marks all over his body for some reason. And you both need a delicious, delicious sandwich to make it all better. And that's where Dino Cafe comes in. Head to the sketchiest bar (Charlie's) in town, walk all the way to the back and experience the magical healing powers of a pile of curly fries and a BBQ pulled pork po' boy. YES.

HINT: Get it to go, head back to your friends' house, crack open a cold Big Sky Brew, eat your delicious, delicious sandwich and watch the sunset. Perfect.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*(photo courtesy of Dino Cafe's myspace page)

Holiday Hiatus

…And we are back again, after a brief hiatus that wasn't totally planned. Its been about six weeks of old college friends coming to visit and then staying for weeks on end, epic hangovers resulting from consuming too many oysters and tequila in one sitting, multiple holiday parties involving giant ice sculpture shoe luges and/or drunk co-workers going all MMA fighter on each other, family Christmas celebrations of various levels of intoxication and AIRPORTS …which promised me dozens of eating options but actually only had various forms of Chili's Express (I'm looking at you, Minneapolis/St. Paul).

So here we are, coming to you live (not quite, I wrote this post while sitting in bed eating peanut butter and then posted it a few days later while stealing Wi-Fi from the vegan metal head bar next door) once again from the rainy Pacific Northwest.

I'm going to be posting a post-holiday sack of coast-to-coast goodies, including the best of the Midwest, some Montana treats and even a little nugget from South Tukwila, Washington.

So many treasures, so little time. Let's get to it.

PORTLAND EDITION: Pambiche

Urban Treasure Hunt: Portland Edition!!!!

WHO: your hungry, cuban food lovin' self
WHAT: Pambiche Cuban Cafe
WHEN: The most glorious of all happy hours: 2pm till 6pm during the week
WHERE: 2811 Northeast Glisan Street, Portland, OR 97232 (28th Ave and Glisan Street, NE Portland)
WHY: So you're just having a typical day in the Pacific Northwest Hippie Utopia (AKA WHITELANDIA) that is Portland, you arrived via the magical BoltBus line (this needs a separate post), you saved fuel by biking around in your Birkenstocks and biodegradable flax pants or something, you spent an hour wandering around Powells and sipping Stumptown and reading about trekking in Nepal, but now you are ravenously hungry and want to chow down like you've never chowed down before. But your friends are vegan! And gluten-free! And have no jobs and no money! What to do?

PAMBICHE. Wonder of all wonders. SO, so, so delicious. Happy hour menu options consist on piles of authentic Cuban cuisine all FIVE BUCKS or less AND full of vegan, vegetarian and gluten-free options. For drinks, throw back a couple cubanos ($2) or mango milkshakes ($2.50), or just dive into their boozy, coffee cocktails. It's everything you've ever wanted.

HINT: ORDER ONE OF EVERYTHING. You will be so full that you won't be able to squeeze into your flax pants and bike ride back to your yurt.

I give it:

/ 10

TEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES (!!!)

The Seattle Aquarium

WHO: your inner "when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-marine-biologist"
WHAT: the Seattle Aquarium
WHEN: middle of the day, midweek
WHERE: down on the waterfront, Pier 59
WHY: Because, sometimes you have a friend in town and its rainy but you need to be a good host and show them the town but you also need a day where you can let yourself ride out a hangover by sipping spiked coffee and wandering around looking at adorable otters and squishy octopi and stuff. You can also substitute out of town guest for small child or annoying one night stand who refuses to leave when you wake up in the morning. Whatever.

HINT: The aquarium is small, but charming. Its a bit pricey ($19.95, but I don't pay full price because I am a famous blogger. Also I have a friend who works at the aquarium.) so be on the look-out for Groupons or dig up your old student ID and try to look ten years younger.

I give it:

/ 10

SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

PICK OF THE WEEK: White People Mourning Romney Tumblr

After all the months of anti-Obama hatred, crazy Republican lies and the very real possibility of letting a man who has magic underpants lead this country, we can all sigh a big ol' sigh of relief 'cause IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

But let us take a moment and be a not-so-great-sport and laugh at the rich white people pouting over their loss.

Because taking the higher road is sorta boring sometimes.

http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/