Our 2nd Annual List of Amazing Fall $#!^&!!!

It's that time again. That time where the long sunny days turn into dark, soggy, short-lived and oft complained about weeks in which we begin to ask ourselves why in Scandinavian hell our pasty-white ancestors ever settled in this land of insanely steep hills and never-ending rain. In other words, us Pacific Northwesterners are in heaven.

This time of grumpiness and non-stop grumbling also brings about the age-old Autumn/Halloween/Day of the Dead/Pumpkin Spice Latte™ season. Watch as posters go up in windows, promising happiness with the purchase of 24 ounces of burnt milk and high fructose corn syrup. Sip on aforementioned happiness with friends while delicately wafting in the aroma of a 22 ounce Turkey & Stuffing Seasonal Candle. (Yes, this is a thing).

So, without further ado, some of my guiltiest of Fall pleasures:

1. Making cookies. Yeah, easy enough, but really freaking good! Amaze your co-workers/family members/potential dates with a fresh batch of Peanut Butter chocolate chunk cookies. And speaking of chunk, who needs to fit into those summer outfits anymore? Eat away, my friends!
2. Local Fall Microbrews. Holy crap. Yes. I want ALL THE SEASONAL BEERS. Elysian "Night Owl Pumpkin Ale" (Seattle, WA), Flyers Brewery "Proptoberfest" (Oak Harbor, WA), and Georgetown Brewery "Tomtoberfest" (Seattle, WA) are the best I've sampled so far. But there is so much more sampling to do! And so many other ways to spell Oktoberfest!
3. Beer Festivals of some sort. Elysian Brewery is doing a thing. Fremont does a thing. Basically everywhere does a thing.
4. Sweater Weather. Speaking of getting out and being social, and bringing up the chunk thing again, I LOVE FALL FASHION. It's basically just eating a bunch of cookies, drinking all the beer, and then lettin' yerself go. Forget dieting and washing your hair. Now you can cover it all up in "cute" leggings, "cute" sweaters and "cute" hats! You can breathe that sigh of relief that you've been holding in since April. The chunk is here to stay.
5. Rainy nights with friends and a good bottle of whiskey. Aww. What a heartfelt bullet point.
6. Squash/Gourds/Pumpkins. You can decorate it, display it, cook it, bake it, eat it, decoupage it, or throw it. So cheap for SO MANY USES.
7. Foreign Horror movies. Even better because you're even less sure what the hell is happening. My favorites include: Suicide Club (Japan, 2002); The Grudge (Japan, 2002); The Skin I Live In (Spain, 2011); Let the Right One In (Sweden, 2008); annnndddd Shaun of the Dead (UK, 2004). Yeah, I know. That last one doesn't really count.
8. Getting out into Nature. Put on those layers of leggings. Get out those sexy Hiking boots. And go. It doesn't matter if it's raining! There is nature to be had! Go get it! (HINT: Washington Trails Association is like "Walking Outdoors for Dummies." Which is why I go on this website so often.)
9. Cozy coffee shops with multiple Seasonal Drinks. My favorites are Cintli Cafe's Mayan Mocha and Vivace Espresso's Pumpkin Spice Latte. You know you want it.
10. Dressing up in some sort of semi-relevant pop culture costume and hoping people "get it."

HINT: GET DRUNK AT A BEER FESTIVAL IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ON A RAINY NIGHT WITH FRIENDS WHILE WEARING A MILEY CYRUS TWERK-IT COSTUME OVER A GIANT SWEATER WHILE JUGGLING GOURDS AND COOKIES AND A YANKEE CANDLE AND A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE AND THEN GO HOME AND WATCH A SCARY MOVIE IN JAPANESE.

Cintli Folklore Cafe & Gallery

WHO: Your cozy, delicious coffee-and-snack lovin' self
WHAT: Cintli Folklore Cafe & Gallery
WHEN: Middle of a rainy morning or late afternoon. Open 7am-9pm every day!
WHERE: 202 Broadway Ave E (On the corner of Broadway & John Street/Olive Way, next to the American Apparel that always has at least three bored looking, ironically dressed teenagers standing outside talking about 'belts' or something)
WHY: Because 'independent' coffee shops are as numerous as ironic mustaches in Seattle. And lately they all seem to be in the bottom floor of a condo and more often than not you'll get a dirty look for ordering a cup of coffee incorrectly ("Oh my god, cold brew is so corporate. Do you even know?"). And then there's Cintli. It's like walking into your friend's Abuelita's living room. There is music playing, maybe a radio, too many chairs and doilies and plants and you just want to sit down and be patted on the cheek and fed delicious tamales, arepas, empanadas and FLAN. And the coffee... Mayan Mochas, Horchata Lattes (get it iced! And sit outside!), Mexican sodas and beer and wine. Everything SÍ.

HINT: Get your drink pues aquí and you'll be handed an absolutely precious homemade mug with your drink in it. Curl up in the cracked leather chair in the corner and soak up the colorful crucifixes, metal art and Catrinas all over the walls. Thisis totally your (Latin) grandmother's coffee shop.

I give it:

/ 10

SEVEN OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

Smash Putt

WHO: your sloppy drunk little putt putt self

WHAT: MASH SPUTT. I mean SPLASH SMUT. agh &%#!!? SMASH PUTT. gimme another beer.

WHEN: It's over, you missed it! Next year. Every spring, for nine weeks or so.

WHERE: Who knows! In the past it's usually been in various warehouses in SODO.

WHY: 'Cause, sometimes you need to gather your friends and drink A LOT of beerce in little plastic cups and (*hic*) maybe a few shots (you know the night is going downhill when you inquire about the well tequila selection) and swing around a putt putt golf club in a giant old warehouse with like 200 people and awesome music and this weird imaginative disneyland-meets-hipsterland golf course and WAIT DID I MENTION THAT ITS DRUNK PUTT PUTT GOLFING?! I mean, why do I even need to explain this?

HINT: I'm still (*hic*) drunk. Reserve a VIP room (how you know you're totes a putt putt baller), cram like 15 friends in, take a lot of photos of your co-worker passed out (AT PUTT PUTT GOLF, YES) and get a lil' crunk juice. Hey, it's only once a year.

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

....And we're back. Again.

Hey guys. I promised more updates. And then I sorta fell off the face of the earth. Whoops. Anyways, here's a little bit of what I have been doing lately, with reviews to come in the coming days and weeks (I pinky swear!)

...Basically in that order. Yep.

Randy's Restaurant

WHO: your classic old school diner cravin' self

WHAT: Randy's (aka: Renay's, because the 'D' in the sign is sort of broken. I like to think of Renay's as the late nite, drag-queen alter ego of Randy's)

WHEN: ALWAYS OPEN.

WHERE: Oh god, I'm in Tukwila. Just close your eyes and pretend its not happening. 10016 E Marginal Way S. Take exit 158 toward E Marginal Way.

WHY: Because sometimes, its New Year's Day, and you wake up in a gaggle of gays (aka your best friends) with your tube dress hiked up around your waist, a noisemaker lodged up your nose (could be worse), some unexplained bruises and you got a serious case of the CANKLES. So forget trying to get your shoes back on your feet (the cankles will not allow it), slip into your friend's shower flip flops and don't even attempt to look in a mirror. It is time to seek a higher power: Randy/Renay's worship-worthy piles of bacon and pancakes and ice cream shakes (Yes, for breakfast) will make your transgressions seemingly float away.

HINT: I haven't even mentioned the glorious surroundings in this time capsule of a diner. Enter in and prepare to succumb to the awe-inspiring pink-and-orange flower power booths and bow down to the timeless regulars sipping their black coffee before heading in to their graveyard shift at Boeing. If you are truly blessed, you might even have the owner's wife and her beehive bouffant lift you out of the mire of your hungover state. Randy's is diner salvation. And sweet baby Jesus, the CHICKEN FRIED STEAK. Let the healing begin.

I give it:

/ 10

NINE OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*Photo courtesy of Randy's Restaurant website.

MILWAUKEE EDITION: Northern Chocolate Company

WHO: your secret chocolate loving self
WHAT: Northern Chocolate Company, aka 'The Chocolate Nazi.'
WHEN: opens at noon most days, mid afternoon is usually the best time. Ring the bell before entering. Then remove your shoes. Not even joking.
WHERE: 2036 N Dr Martin Luther King Dr. Just south of North Ave, sort of west of the east side. (Still not even joking.)
WHY: Because its chocolate, but not just any chocolate. Its like secret chocolate, and its like this totally mind-boggling mind game to even get to the chocolate. First of all, you have to find the shop, which, as I pointed out above, is a puzzle in itself. Then you have the front door. Ring the bell, wait. Perhaps the proprietor will come, maybe he won't. He might peek out the curtains and decide that you are too young or too old or maybe your shoes are too brightly colored for his liking or perhaps your hat is just stupid looking. Anyways, if he opens the door, it becomes like this bizarre Japanese tea ceremony. You pause, make a motion of removing your shoes, and he will bark at you to remove your shoes. You step inside and he will let you know that you cannot touch the chocolate, smell it, stand too close to it or breathe on it. He will be engaged with a trio of husky tourists from Montana or a sweaty business man or a young couple decked out in UWM wear who look absolutely terrified and clearly want to leave the shop but he is blocking the door. And then it is your turn. A word of caution: NEVER step up to the counter until he invites you up. Don't hold the chocolate in your clammy, nervous hands. Just politely mill about the shop until his Chocolate Highness summons you to the register.

HINT: Once you are in the presence the man who has been nicknamed the 'Chocolate Nazi,' you will realize why you came here. He knows his stuff, loves his trade (and his cats, DO ask about his cats), and has a wealth of interesting knowledge from his many travels. You might end up spending a good hour or two chatting with him and he might even through a few extra chocolates in your bag and high five you as you're leaving the shop.

I give it:

/ 10

EIGHT OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*photo courtesy of JSOnline.com.

CHICAGO EDITION: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake

WHO: Your inner Midwestern
WHAT: Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake
WHEN: 5am-6pm. Early morning, after a rough red-eye flight, or afternoon after a rough hangover.
WHERE: 2294 North Milwaukee Ave. Logan Square, Chicago, IL
WHY: Because you live in WHITELANDIA, home of boutique bistros with names like "SPOON" or "VASE" and the heartiest dish you can order is usually something involving a dainty square of sauteed tofu or half a quail egg cracked onto a sprig of watercress. And you're sick of it. So you fly to the Midwest, walk into the first diner you see and order one of EVERYTHING. Buttermilk pancakes (yes, there are more than one) piled so high that you can't see over the top. Mounds of butter and syrup and ham steaks that literally bring a tear of joy to your eye. And diner coffee. Delicious, non-descript black coffee that is constantly being topped off by friendly waitresses in stained aprons. This is the Midwest.

I give it:

/ 10

SIX OUT OF TEN HAPPY BRUCE FACES

*(photo courtesy of Cozy Corner's website)